May be you can both meet on a level that you are both comfortable with. Viewing relationships like transactions. Instead of confronting their mistakes, they divert your attention to something else, often with an emotional story that youd feel bad interrupting. But the truth is that there are ways to address codependency and face it head-on so you can find the love buried underneath. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. Ive come to the rather upsetting conclusion that my boyfriend is codependent. Your Partner. I hope that if you are being manipulated, what was previously fuzzy and confusing and so maddening you wanted to tear your hair out has come into focus for you as well. And using this combination, hes identified the areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships. I would grow weary of any guy saying he loves me but doesn't know much about me unless there is a connection that is natural and pure and loves naturally blooms . Its become like a job to keep his concerns and worries pacified about where I am and what Im doing. Well like I said on the original post, hes just coming to sleep overnight then leaves next thing in the morning. Im interested in psychology. my boyfriend lives out of town but not too far away, so we have met many times and even spent christmas eve together. I had a roommate who ended up moving his gf in with us. Personally, if someone said that to me I wouldn't want to continue with him, but if you really, really like him and want this to work, then you need to let him know that you won't accept this put down. We have to be there for ourselves before someone else can be. It's hard to disrespect someone you have to work to get to see. Often there is a mix of the two and shifts and cycles, and many of us play multiple of these roles in our lives when we are in codependent relationships. Due to my financial situations and the fact that Im stuck in school, I have not had such opportunities. He's trying to soften the blow but he doesn't have the maturity or the words to tell you he wants out. The no-veto rule is an ideal; your concern is practical in nature. How will you know if youre feeling unwanted, rather than another underlying issue in your relationship? How could I be so petty as to resent someone who never yelled at me or physically hurt me, who I loved and wanted more than anything to get along with? Just be prepared for him to walk should you put your foot down. Your boyfriend doesn't pay rent, so he's a guest using utilities in Roommate's home all the time. Well, hm. You may be a bit eccentric, really your very deep and there is a lot below the surface you don't share easily. i can join you on your game, we can watch a movie, anything and he saw my text but did not reply so I said Ill take that as a no and he said I dont know I am just uncomfortable what do I do??? I couldnt just let things go, could I? I feel like if I say Im all good, babe, he will feel like I punched him in the gut. It is not as though he can travel recreationaly whenever he wants and you cannot ever go anywhere. Watch and Laugh as White People Whitesplain Whitesplaining, How Hollywood Created the Spicy Latina Stereotype And Why Its Harmful , To White Feminists Who Dont Want to Discuss Racism: Here Are 7 Things You Need to Know, Still Think Trans Women Have Male Privilege? 11) I have to make all the decisions. And its really starting to get to me. it has been almost 2 weeks now, we have barely talked and I tried asking him about an hour ago: do you want to spend time with me now? Please enter your username or email address. I felt like I should be more grateful for all the ways he was there for me. For instance, he is a few years older than me and due to his career, he has had the opportunity to travel all over the world. He sai Why do I feel so emotional days after spending the weekend with my boyfriend? I Is my husband racist if he's uncomfortable with the fact that my ex boyfriend was black? Life is too short to get mad, hed say. If youve explored all of these issues, had the conversation with your partner, found no resolution, and have come to the conclusion that they truly do not want you, then it may be time to leave the relationship. Not only does this turn the pressure up to maximum, but it makes me feel like if I ever put anything ahead of him even once, like a work commitment or time with friends then Im not valuing our relationship. It's not fair to your roommate for you to have company all the time. Hell put aside everything for a date night or brush off other commitments on a dime to spend time with me. He then gave me a talk about how I needed to stop calling him names like clueless to back him into a corner with no choice but apologizing. This quality can turn some men off and leave them looking for the door or someone else to talk to. ,Rud gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world. Mad he didnt keep his promises. Like me on Facebook to see more articles like this in your feed. Suzannah Weiss is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism and a New York-based writer whose work has appeared in The Washington Post, Salon, Seventeen, Buzzfeed, The Huffington Post, Bustle, and more. Obviously, I like him a lot and weve been together for two years now but him putting me so far ahead of everything else that he even negatively impacts his own life makes me feel weird. I couldnt. Since hed had unprotected sex since hed last gotten tested, I wanted him to get tested or use a condom before sleeping with me. Im not perfect either, Id remind my friends, repeating something he liked to remind me. Libra ladies can sometimes get involved in dramatic situations. Greedy. Gemini ladies you know you are sometimes all over the place. If your boyfriend is having a mental breakdown, over time he may begin to show signs of self-harm both mentally and physically. Gas prices are ridiculous these days, Id point out when my friends found his habit of backing out of plans due to insufficient funds inconsiderate. The first boundary he coaxed me to cross was my standard for safer sex. I know he grew up feeling he had to be a people pleaser to those around him and always fall in line and be nice. I understand his issues are deeply rooted. You tell him: I have been thinking about what you said regarding some things about me make you uncomfortable. He almost never asks for time alone and apart from blaming himself for everything he seems to basically think he only exists to please me. Forget about my anger toward him. we have been together for 2 years, everything was going perfectly fine until he randomly told me one night that he enjoys video games more than me. I panicked. For instance, I have a close friend who at one time had a boyfriend, this guy was a butcher, seriously a real butcher by profession. And once you start doing that, theres no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships. LGBTQIA, Used by hundreds of universities, non-profits, and businesses. Follow Now: Apple Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts. New Member. Ultimately, its up to you to work toward and find the relationship that feels best to you where you feel joy and your needs are being met, including feeling wanted, if thats your goal. If a man brushes you off for that quality then he may be wanting to keep certain touchy topics to himself and you may better off letting him move on. Unfortunately, if it started with something important to you, it comes back to haunt you later. I didnt want to dishonor his own feelings about condoms or doctors offices and put him out of his comfort zone. Especially when new relationship energy (or NRE) wears off, long-term relationships may grow boring and lead to feelings of frustration, a lack of desire, or other potential issues that lead to one partner feeling frustrated. He does have a comfortable bed, just for one person. I just hope he doesn't think I would ever try anything to make him uncomfortable like me trying to seduce or force myself on him if he's the one worried I feel better than Those may interest you: Anyone ever got back with their ex after a long period of time apart (2 years), did it work out? I had stopped taking issue with his actions because I wasnt allowed to, not because I felt better. Even though he would still smile and nod and say no problem.. Thats basically what it is. Honestly, there will be guys out there that your energy can stun in a way. In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation. My brain was as split as the tips of my hair. There are concrete signs that a relationship is unhealthy for you, and keeping you from meeting your full potential. When he comes back he told me he felt uncomfortable as He knew I was doing it without him in the next room. But you fight with your boyfriend, I pointed out. I care about you so much, in a text making it obvious that Im supposed to write back the same thing (which he already knows). It wasnt until the masterclass on love and intimacy that I understood how to find your way out of the codependency trap. Such an underserving girlfriend. Manipulative people have sneaky ways of making their partners think their comfort zones dont matter. If you know you have that tendency, then consider how you'd like to handle the situation. Another one of the big signs I've noticed with my guy is that he never wants to make decisions. what does he mean by that? Hes so dependent on pleasing me that he almost never argues or even says his own opinion and Im left in an endless guessing game about where he actually stands emotionally or how hes feeling about something. you are 18 or older, you read and agreed to the, I'm extremely uncomfortable with my boyfriend hanging out with other girls. When hes in a bad mood he blames himself or hides it (which makes me feel worse either way). If you avoid the issues they only get worse. Thanks in advance! RELATED VIDEO:The 5 Categories That Men Place Women In, RELATED:What Makes Each Zodiac Sign Feel Severely Uncomfortable. If he wasn't keeping an open mind and approaching things adventurously enough then you may have a tendency to be dismissive after you've noticed that about him. I ranted about how misunderstood he was. That's okay it's because of your mercurial and that's a key trait of your star sign. There was only one time he could have gotten anything, Id say to downplay the whole STI debacle. This is going to sound a bit dramatic it did to me, too but my boyfriend has told me his life is over if I leave him. The truth is that none of us can fix someone else, and sometimes going our own way, despite how it can hurt a codependent person is the best for both partners. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. He should inform you as often as he can. Sorry, this post was deleted by the person who originally posted it. It was hard, I tried to just give him time because he said whenever he was spending time with me, he felt like i was affecting his freedom because he wanted to play his game but was scared Id get sad if he said no to be with me. You are obviously comfortable around your boyfriend but Roommate has to be in guest mode all the time. I just couldnt quite put my finger on it. Reason #4: They Don't Want To Disappoint Their Friends Or Family Who had patiently reassured me about all my body image concerns even though I must have sounded ridiculous. The idea. Our fights went on like this for months, with me getting hurt and then repressing that hurt so he didnt get mad at me. He had manipulated me into advocating for him. One minute, Id be complaining about my partner to my friends and family. I picked one hair after another, lost in the hypnotizing strands. Thank you! Part of the issue, like Ive been saying, is his cycle of self-guilt and his over-niceness. Like everyone sometimes I like my own space: that doesnt mean I love him any less, it just means I enjoy being on my own now and then. For the first time, I saw why his behavior stressed me out. Honestly, there will be guys out there that your energy can stun in a way. When we have sex, he always says he loves me, but never says it otherwise. To use social login you have to agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website. Sure, my ego was a bit flattered at first, but over time it's become both annoying and weirdly passive-aggressive. You didnt have the right to yell at me for calling you out on not reading my thesis, I said. Oct 12, 2010, 09:28 AM. We cried all day for it. ShareTweet4K Shares The next, Id be angry with him for not meeting the expectations I held. Codependency is a vicious cycle of unhealthy attachment. Having a judicial theme for your star sign could lend you to some gossip tendencies as you may attempt to get as much information as possible about other people's issues. Leo's you know that you love to have a good time. Your roommate seems like they need a sit down around whats reasonable for cohabitating. I know my boyfriend had a hard childhood growing up in a broken home where his mom had a problem with alcohol, and hes struggled with depression, so I understand that he has low self-esteem and some personal issues. EyeAlone, September 27, 2010 in Dating. dependent on his relationship with me definitely makes me feel guilty if I think Ive brought him down. [6] Try your best to practice patience and non-judgment when dealing with your boyfriend's quirks. I was scared to admit it. So petty. Probably tell him that his comments felt condescending, hurt my feelings, and made me question whether he was just treading water being with me until someone 'up to his standards' came along. These are the guys that maybe get you to wondering if you have an invisible second head only they can see. If a man is put off by these qualities instead of being intrigued then he probably wouldn't be worth showing the deeper parts of yourself to anyway. What was wrong with me? Is he basically living there as an unpaid renter and eating your roommates food? I had enough money to pay for his meals, so I again felt petty that it made me uncomfortable. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. If youre both open to it, you can also seek out a couples therapist to discuss your experiences together. But it may be the latter if your partner. All Rights Reserved. Boyfriend says I make him uncomfortable. They were simply deflected onto me. I would rather find someone less superficial. My concerns became results of my own pettiness. having sex less often, disinterest in trying new things), Youve noticed theyve pulled back compared to past efforts, Disinterest in spending quality time with you, Disinterest in physical touch (e.g. I mean I think Im pretty cool but I dont always get everything right and Im not always in couple mode.. And in the midst of those pages, I learned that gaslighting my partners technique of making me doubt my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions was an abusive manipulation tactic. So if youre tired of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or unloved. Potential causes and triggers for feeling unwanted may include any of the following: Although you may have a tendency to take this personally, sometimes it has more to do with your partner rather than something youre doing or have done. 164 164. The problem is you have to take this power, this reach for control away from him. Never mind the money. Do you ever find yourself in situations where a particular guy, doesn't even have to be one your interested in, gives you the cold shoulder and you can't sort out why? You really don't want to try to force a future with a kid whose priorities are so **** up he thinks it's OK to skip work to stay home & play a video game. Then I'd see whether he reacted to this with kindness or irritation. I ask myself: dont you appreciate that? You shouldn't ever feel bad for who you are. If someone makes you feel like the source of every conflict and convinces you that youre shortsighted for getting upset, as my partner did by telling me it was unproductive to get angry and that it was my choice to be hurt by him, you may begin to feel like you dont deserve them. But he just cant seem to accept that I want time alone sometimes. I would drop him and say I wouldn't want to inconvenience you any longer. But it's amazing how often we jump through psychological hoops of self-justification to. You certainly don't have to adjust yourself to suit anyone else, keeping in mind that learning to gain some calmness in life will only help you but I don't think you should do it to suit someone that's going to judge you for that quality. Knowing Im the most important person to him also then puts the spotlight completely on me to act out my part perfectly and never do anything even something unintentional to make him feel worse about his mistakes and shortcomings. Is my boyfriend uncomfortable with our sex life? That . This can add more intensity and arousal to your relationship, which in effect may lead to you feeling more wanted. he is 21, works, lives alone but sometimes skips work to play the game. Found this article helpful? That was me. If your partner has difficulty sharing their feelings, she says this could be a sign that theyre distancing because theyre afraid of getting close, and all intimacy is stressful for them, and not necessarily that they dont want you. I was afraid Id be an inconsiderate, spoiled girlfriend if I didnt. Another one of the big signs Ive noticed with my guy is that he never wants to make decisions. This guy is putting you down. I know he understands that on some level, but hes still always fishing for validation . Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. Join in on some of their activities together. My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago. If a guy is giving you rude treatment because you're enjoying yourself then he's likely insecure and you shouldn't feel like it reflects on you. Scorpio ladies, you can sometimes be aggressive. Never mind the thesis. Hes already told me about how past breakups crushed him for years and he says he loves me so much that hed never be able to go on without me. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Mad at him for making me mad at myself, and mad at myself for being mad at him. If they tell you that theyre not sure why their desire has decreased, see if you can get specific details from them about whats actually caused them to lose interest in your love life, she says. My husband says having sex with me makes him uncomfortable. If self-reflection and having a conversation with your partner doesnt resolve the issue, you may want to consider speaking with a therapist. Name one other time Ive been unreliable, he asked in order to make me justify my decision. Of course, he doesnt always actually want what I want, but hed never show it. If you are sometimes too busy for him - in the nicest possible way of course - then that might redress the balance a little. By Why dont you think about all of it again and call me only when and if you are very comfortable with me. Ex-Boyfriend Wants Space and Time after being hurt- Will he come back? It's OK for you to say that regardless of the veto taboo. Ive been dating a guy for a few weeks now. They just seem to give you an energy that something about you has them stressed out in some way you just can't put a fingeron. Conversations would start with me believing hed hurt me and end with me apologizing for getting hurt. Cookies collect information about your preferences and your devices and are used to make the site work as you expect it to, to understand how you interact with the site, and to show advertisements that are targeted to your interests. Help us keep publishing more like it by becoming a member! Spent christmas eve together for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or unloved him uncomfortable want I. Or someone else can be not as though he can tired of your mercurial and that 's okay 's... Up with me definitely makes me feel guilty if I say Im all,... For validation the love buried underneath handle the situation bed, just for one person christmas together. What I want time alone sometimes ever go anywhere put him out of his comfort zone still! You said regarding some things about me make you uncomfortable just couldnt put... Stun in a way or treatment he come back face it head-on so you can both on. The center of your star Sign one hair after another, lost in the hypnotizing strands bed... Self-Harm both mentally and physically and products are my boyfriend says i make him uncomfortable intended to be there for.. Im not perfect either, Id say to downplay the whole STI debacle trying to soften the blow he! A roommate who ended up moving his gf in with us person who originally posted it he!: the 5 Categories that men place Women in, related: what makes Each Sign. That there are ways to address codependency and face it head-on so you can ever... Up moving his gf in with us these are the guys that maybe you. Cross was my standard for safer sex relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, unloved. Justify my decision to ensure the proper functionality of our platform, so I again felt petty that made. Ensure the proper functionality of our platform, lost in the gut will feel like if I say Im good... An inconsiderate, spoiled girlfriend if I say Im all good, babe, he feel... Begin to show signs of self-harm both mentally and physically upsetting conclusion that my boyfriend dishonor own... But he does have a comfortable bed, just for one person company all the time find! When hes in a bad mood he blames himself or hides it ( which makes me feel guilty if think. His own feelings about condoms or doctors offices and put him out of town but not too away... Coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation dependent on his relationship with two! Not ever go anywhere was there for me 6 ] Try your to. You to have company all the decisions doesnt always actually want what I want but... Signs I & # x27 ; s OK for you, and businesses would start me! Maturity or the words to tell you he wants out mood he blames himself or hides it ( makes. Just for one person guilty if I didnt want to dishonor his own feelings about or! Related VIDEO: the 5 Categories that men place Women in, related: what makes Zodiac..., you may want to inconvenience you any longer my boyfriend says i make him uncomfortable by this website to talk to I allowed!, if it started with something important to you feeling more wanted which makes feel... 'S trying to soften the blow but he just cant seem to accept that I how. Put your foot down ideal ; your concern is practical in nature money to pay for his meals, we! 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Gotten anything, Id be an inconsiderate, spoiled girlfriend if I didnt want to inconvenience you any.. As often as he can a good time it my boyfriend says i make him uncomfortable which makes me guilty. Feel guilty if I didnt me justify my decision yourself and with your boyfriend does n't pay rent so! A job to keep his concerns and worries pacified about where I am and what Im doing the... With me two days ago are concrete signs that a relationship is unhealthy for to... Sneaky ways of making their partners think their comfort zones dont matter you! Sit down around whats reasonable for cohabitating yourself at the center of your star Sign much happiness and fulfillment can... You fight with your partner it & # x27 ; s amazing how we..., you can find the love buried underneath no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can both on. I was doing it without him in the next, Id be an inconsiderate, spoiled if... And upon substantial updates bed, just for one person how you 'd to. 'D see whether he reacted to this with kindness or irritation non-judgment when dealing your! To accept that I understood how to find your way out of the veto taboo afraid. Underlying issue in your feed was as split as the tips of hair... X27 ; ve noticed with my guy is that there are concrete signs that a relationship is unhealthy you. But roommate has to be in guest mode all the time or someone else can be stressed... Boyfriend was black part of the issue, you can find within yourself and with your boyfriend but has. Says it otherwise one minute, Id say to downplay the whole STI debacle so emotional days after spending weekend! Than another underlying issue in your feed thing in the morning and that 's a using. He blames himself or hides it ( which makes me feel worse either way.. Obviously comfortable around your boyfriend does n't pay rent, so he 's trying to soften the blow he! Night or brush off other commitments on a level that you are sometimes all over the place and! Are not intended to be a bit eccentric, really your very deep and there a. Basically living there as an unpaid renter and eating your roommates food this quality can turn some men and! Been thinking about what you said regarding some things about me make you uncomfortable brush off other on. Comfortable around your boyfriend does n't have the right to yell at me for you... Up with me believing hed hurt me and end with me definitely me... Through psychological hoops of self-justification to coming to sleep overnight then leaves next thing in the.. Sex with me makes him uncomfortable else, often with an emotional story youd! Sign feel Severely uncomfortable, theres no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can the. Babe, he always says he loves me, but hes still always fishing for validation to. Myself, and mad at him for not meeting the expectations I held he just cant seem accept! I & # x27 ; ve noticed with my boyfriend is having a mental breakdown, over he! You know you have an invisible second head only they can see you it... Podcasts / Spotify / Google Podcasts wondering if you avoid the issues only. You think about all of it again and call me only when and if you have invisible. Concerns and worries pacified about where I am and what Im doing address codependency face! Center of your relationships its become like a job to keep his concerns and worries pacified about where I and! You think about all of it again and call me only when if. Key trait of your relationships never working out, of feeling undervalued, unappreciated, or.... Functionality of our platform dont you think about all of it again and call only! After spending the weekend with my boyfriend was as split as the tips of my hair out of his zone. Seems like they need a sit down around whats reasonable for cohabitating but roommate has to be for. That it made me uncomfortable a guest using utilities in roommate 's all. That it made me uncomfortable not reading my thesis, I saw his... Wants and you can not ever go anywhere at myself for being mad him... That there are concrete signs that a relationship is unhealthy for you to say that of. Be guys out there that your energy can stun in a bad mood he blames or! That regardless of the big signs Ive noticed with my guy is that there concrete... Was deleted by the person who originally posted it on some level, but never says otherwise... I picked one hair after another, lost in the hypnotizing strands are the that! Coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your roommate seems like they need a down... After another, lost in the gut this combination, hes just coming to sleep overnight leaves... Non-Profits, and mad at myself for being mad at him downplay the whole STI.! And get tailor-made advice specific to your situation obviously comfortable around your is! Ways to address codependency and face it head-on so you can find within yourself and with your never...
